Dream and Frustrations

I cannot think of any other job other than being a NURSE. Nursing had become my passion. It is the job and the profession I wanted to be in. This is the profession I envisioned myself doing and sustaining the needs of my psyche sister and my old parents.

I am a registered nurse since 2012 under the jurisdiction of my country, Philippines. I studied my lessons very well and managed to land a rank in the list of students who passed their nursing exams in college and after graduation, took the licensure exam for nurses and FINALLY! I am a well pledged nurse.

I thought after that I could fulfill my dreams of becoming a doctor. Sadly, that didnt happen. I have plenty of brothers and sisters. We are 8 siblings in the family. The eldest, whom is my stepbrother is the breadwinner of our family and was also the one who told me that he will finance my dream of becoming a doctor. Due to series of miscommunication in the family that resulted to;I might as well say destroyed our relationships; us being aloof to each other and yes! Me becoming a doctor is no longer in the equation. Thus, I cannot study to become a doctor... sigh... :(

The only option I've got is to make use of what I had studied and that is Nursing. I passed my resume and other credentials to plenty of government hospitals so as private owned companies and hospitals, but none replied. These series of events continued from 2012 to present, 2014. I did managed to get employed but only for three months and that isn't enough to sustain the financial needs of our family. I asked myself and often times review my resume and try to look where are the flaws why i cant get accepted in any institution I applied.

I was very happy when I got to see how high my grades are so as my nursing licensure board rating. I told myself "Alright I am fine now. With these I could get a job". Sadly and as what reality told me, you dont need those. Its just useless. Numbers will only be numbers and that's that. In my country, Philippines, you will get hired not on what you know but who you know and Im talking here ONLY in the HEALTH sector. There really isn't the so called HIRING PROCESS. there's no such thing. You can get employed in the hospital even if you didn't have any license to practice nursing, even if your grades in nursing college are very low. even if you are inexperienced you will get promoted. All I can say is WHY?

I wanted to get employed as a nurse in hospitals but I cant get employed. Why?

No words can even describe how sad I am for not being able to practice what I learned, sustain the needs of my family and most of all, for not being able to materialise the dream that I envisioned myself... to be a doctor and be an employed Nurse.

:( sigh...

Silence of Ignominy

A saying by Lao Tzu:

"At the center of your being you know who you are and know what you want"

Knowing yourself is definitely good. You know yourself inside and out. But the hindrance of being happy, just to have peace of mind, is the society. The irony shown unto us from the very start of our existence on earth is proving yourself to this already established traditions and customs of the so-called society of ours. It's like you owe every soul an explanation but in reality, you don't. Will you still be happy about yourself if people of the society dont like you, silently?

Growing up is part of life. There could be two consequences. One would be you grow up the way other people are used to and second, you grow up in a different way. It is like people tends to drag you to follow the same track other people had made. And if you decided to make another path, and you end up in a state where individuals don't accept you, you are now an outcast.

The hardest thing to accept is when people establish their prejudices. I know, it is not good to hear directly from a person about their real thought about you but thinking that they are already making you an opprobrium is the heaviest burden among all burden to carry. It is a torture. They look at you in odd, peculiar and awkward ways, well of course they are not aware of that. So, nobody can blame me for being this paranoid. Let me ask you, do you think you wouldn't end up in such state wherein all people surrounding you are strictly sticking to the tradition and prejudices that they have? That can' be answered in just a day or two.

Sometimes, I tell and ask myself when will this ignominy end. After that, I am clueless.

I do actions to deal with this. But why is that every time I feel that I am already succeeding; there will always come an instance, maybe a person or an event; depressing me instantly?

Let's just say that the society accepted you because of the things you are capable of. Did everything changed? I wish yes. But NO. They will treat you nicely? Yes. Will they show people they respect you? Yes, they will. But the stares and unconscious actions they made will still remain as if it was stagnant. That is even worse than the first one. Silently, they are humiliating you. A disgraceful soul.

So let's answer the question. Will you still be comfortable about yourself if people in the society don't like you? Answer? No. You wont be any longer comfortable. Because No matter how strong your beliefs about your self ,that in reality you know who you are and know what you want, you can't be in peace when people around you strongly protest and justifies that you are not.